Sunday, December 28, 2008

Post Christmas wrapup.

Well, back from my latest trip, saw the folks and all the siblings, Their kids and spouses. Got to see my Grandma and that was awesome. She seems in much better spirits than when I saw her last. One weird thing no one bothered to ask what I was doing, or if i was seeing anyone. So since they didn't I just mentioned E like over and over. If they can't get the hint than fuck'em. I even said he had a key to the house and even that didn't provoke a response! You'd think they'd care a little : \

The gift were a bit slim this year, I did get a super cool ball clock from my sister. I've always wanted one but never shelled out the money for it.
E and I kept the gifts simple this year, I got jello shots and some time with him, he got a stocking and stuff. yes I'd like to do more for him but I really don't want to push it. Oh well his birthday isn't too far away.

I did get myself one gift, okay probably a few but the one that stands out is the first season of Freakazoid on DVD. I was at the store shopping and found out it had been released and had to snatch it up. Sweet, sweet animated madness!

All right blog readers talk to you later, hope you had a good Christmas! Now onto New Years, all I'm going to say is I'm looking for a hotel room with a jacuzzi!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

So much for Capitalism...

Monday, December 1, 2008

Mumbai, and Muslim terrorism

Pretty much sums up my views too.

Winston Churchill 1899:

“How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries! Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia in a dog, there is this fearful fatalistic apathy.

“The effects are apparent in many countries. Improvident habits, slovenly systems of agriculture, sluggish methods of commerce, and insecurity of property exist wherever the followers of the Prophet rule or live.

“A degraded sensualism deprives this life of its grace and refinement; the next of its dignity and sanctity. The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property, either as a child, a wife, or a concubine, must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men.

“Individual Moslems may show splendid qualities, but the influence of the religion paralyzes the social development of those who follow it.

“No stronger retrograde force exists in the world. Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith. It has already spread throughout Central Africa, raising fearless warriors at every step; and were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science, the science against which it had vainly struggled, the civilization of modern Europe might fall, as fell the civilization of ancient Rome.”

Not much has changed...

Friday, November 21, 2008

Shouldn't we wait till after the inaugration? DADT

While I fully expected this, and even blogged about how I only trusted Obama to throw the gays under his bus. This rapid unfolding of stories about what he is or isn't going to do is kind of crazy. Maybe I have just forgotten what transitions are like and it's been awhile since we've had one with the past two presidents having 8 year terms and the president before that being a vice president, but how is it that people are sure which policies are or are not going to be enacted?
Give the guy a chance to get his people in place and pursue his plans. Remember we want this to be successful and we want be smooth.

However if this is true and that 2010 is the projected roll out time he would be setting himself up for a huge fight in congress as the next congressional election cycle peaks. I really hope that there is enough support to get it through congress and onto his desk WITHOUT caveats or loop holes that would make it a hollow victory. So many gays need some way of proving themselves to their families or society at large and it seems a huge waste to throw away these possible recruits or force them to hide in the closet. I know I would have enlisted if the ban had been lifted. Yes I know several gays that are in the military some out some not but I couldn't do it under the current law. I didn't want to pour my life into a career that could be snatched out from under me by any misstep or fellow soldier. Sadly in 2010 I'd be 35 to old to enlist : (


Occasionally things happen and I have no idea why. This is one of them. Mayhaps he needs to spend more time with his family? Pursue new opportunities?

Context, I always watch for signs of weakness, it's an aspect of my nature.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

On Global warming and why I don't care

Sorry I've never really worried about climate change and feel pretty confident in the belief that regardless of the earth warming or cooling we lack the ability to do anything except produce less soot. (Something I do think is important) neither the Kyoto protocol nor the science behind it was anything other than alarmist claptrap in my opinion and the powers that be that beat it's drum have done little besides enrich themselves and promote their own business schemes. Humans should always be thinking about the changing environment and trying to keep things the way they were at any one time is a dangerous ideal considering the earth is a dynamic system not static.

This interesting belief that we should stop making CO2 is just the latest twist. Judges have now ruled that CO2 is a dangerous industrial waste. Did no one mention to him that every breath we take creates CO2, and there fore we are all under the managing auspices of the EPA? that CO2 is less than .0373 percent of the actual gas in the air? yet somehow is suppose to be the main component of Global warming? Or that the more CO2 in the air the better that plants do? No all this is disregarded to flashy headlines even as the air grows colder and colder and the seasons shorter. I don't even try to argue anymore I might mention corollaries to planetary warming throughout the solar system that matched Earth's own, but than I blame that on Bush.
Think people, think....

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

: / apparently I'm an asshole

Not that I don't already know this, and my close friends know this. However I suppose people I blog with don't know this. Probably because my asshole philosophy tells me to be polite except when talking about things like philosophy. So I can only apologize so much until I get to the point where I remember why I gave up on teaching, and parties and anything other than close friendships. Than I do the same thing I've done since high school, shut my mouth, go home, write my teacher (whose long dead) a letter telling him he was an asshole but right and stick my nose in a book. At least this time I have someone to cuddle with and exchange recipes. Unless he decides I'm an asshole too.
Maybe i should buy christmas presents early just in case...

I suppose for context I should explain, my philosophy only allows me to be an asshole about philosophy because it can kill people. Therefore to express emotion for it is justified. All things that are trivial or transitory must not be worried or fussed over.

I suppose, as Jimbo points out, that not changing a habit since high school would indicate a lack of personal growth as well as it should. However that habit came about as a lesson I learned about debate tactics. Basically I come from a family of very confrontational, self righteous, educated blowhards. Though socially awkward (the gay thing, and poor to boot) I was out spoken in certain classes about history and the lessons to gleen from it. Over time I was convinced by a teacher that debate convinced no one of anything and the only successful way of changing the world was through example. So I stopped being verbal and started just helping people and trying to make my section of the world a better place and for the most part that has been wildly successful. However sometimes i still wish words were enough, and the internet can bring out the worst of my old habits. So I apologize, because nothing really matters in the end except how you treat others.

Monday, November 10, 2008


I heard a debate recently that troubled me, several people I know that have learned some of the advanced arts of meditation have been trying to munch on a quote they pulled up while delving. "Better for a world to die than the unenlightened learn to read." meaning that if someone reached some form of understanding about the nature of the universe out of order they were most likely to create vicious cycles of destruction in their world that would leave it corrupted, possibly for all time.

Any opinions out there? or is this just prattle from a time of caste systems and extreme knowledge hording?

I suppose i should add in context I read CosmoDaddy's blog and was curious about the man Allister that is helping to teach him to meditate and relax.


Sorry folks I have been traveling quite a bit lately and it's draining me of extra creative energy. Eventually you get to the point where all you can do is sit in a chair and try to regain some density to your self. Still I have been a bit busy, I've seen Sex Drive, Role Model, and RockanRolla. I bought a suit, I am still happily in a relationship, I saw a production fo Rocky Horror Picture show, and I treated my friends to a meal at the Melting Pot which was a lot of fun and very good. I also recieved a book from an old blog friend as well as completing quite a bit of reading on my own.

On the down side my yard has suffered, my dog is restless, my house is unclean, my spirit feels thinned out and my work out schedule has suffered as well.

Still I got to see Tampa, Pittsburgh, Atlanta, Minneapolis, and Wichita. more cities to add to the list which in time i must throw away.

Hope everyone out there is surviving the season change and keeping their spirits up!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

November Meme!

A meme! It's been awhile meme's have been out of vogue for a time. I found this one while reading a new blog. Everyone congratulate him on his recent engagement! Hi Jon!

Where was your default picture taken? On this blog? in Portland, Or at the japanese
Are you in a relationship, single, complicated, married, or engaged? in a relationship, it started July 3rd

Do you have a flip or slide phone? I prefer flip phones but have an Iphone for now till something better comes along.

Have you ever had your heart broken? Yup usually did it to myself.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Yup, sure have....

Who do you hate? Specific folk my lawyer said should never be mentioned in print.

Do you have an iPod? No, an Iphone, however I have a Zune and comparing the two the zune is vastly superior and easier to use. Please people try them!!!

Who was the last person you stayed up late with? Eli : )

Do you have any weird inside jokes? yeah sometimes they span decades of time but typically they revolve around single quote lines or an understanding of non-euclidian geometry.

Do you find piercings attractive? Yes!

What’s the worst abuse you have done to your phone> Not much yet to the iphone it's pretty new. the last one got lost in a downpour

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? probably not, I like aspects of smoking.

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? I need to sell $8000 more in the next 3 hours

Have you ever kissed in a pool? Yeah, it's nice

Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in right now? No disappointment is usually a personal issue.

Do you ever wonder what your ex or most recent “thing” is up to? Sometimes but not in any serious way.

Who is your best friends boyfriend/girlfriend? Always male...

Whats wrong with you right now? I would like a nap

Are you mean? not typically, however the label is applied often so it must mean something.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? I work very hard to talk about them because if not I bury them very deeply

How is your hair? Meh

Latest you stayed up in the past week? 1am

Have you been in a car accident? Yeah two months ago

Do you care if people hate you for no reason? No, I only care if there is a reason.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? No, not really

Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with? No, that was ages ago, i was 14 or 15

What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? Whatever my mom played on the radio...and ABBA

What is the best thing about your job? The people I work with, and the relationships with the customers.

Where are you going on your next vacation? Not sure maybe England again

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Boyfriend

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old at least 4 years or more.

Do you own any furniture from Ikea? No really couldn't be bothered...

If you could be any animal what would you be? Giant Sloth

What state/country are you from? That's a tricky question, several of them...

Where do you see yourself in one month? Hopefully working off the thanksgiving turkey at the gym

Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend? Yes. It was mostly my fault though.

Do you think you would make a good wife/husband? I'd like to think so

Everything happens for a reason? Mmm in a way I suppose. The question typically contains the answer.

Do you sleep with the TV on? Off!

Do you think you’ll be a good Mother/Father? Maybe if I tried harder than I am now.

Are you high-maintenance? No the opposite

Are you happy with the way life is going? Yes ...since July : )

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Prop 8

Since I think gay marriage is better for gays both as a stabilizing force, for the betterment of all, and as a personal desire; I think folk should do what they can to support this cause. Also I would urge those who believe to make an effort to donate. State law in California requires each donation to be name labeled, saved and recorded, if nothing else and the proposition goes forward, you will and can be known to have made your wishes heard and attach a name to to that desire. In a democracy and a Republic, this is the way and the time to be counted.

Friday, October 24, 2008

dark knitting humor

dark knitting humor
Originally uploaded by Jimbo3DC
Jimbo found this in the interwebs. I think it's hilarious and wonder if there is a larger series of these. Like bogs, frogs, etc. That would be cool to see. Can you imagine the instruction sheet for this pattern?

Context, I've been thinking about learning to knit...

Monday, October 13, 2008

Palm Beach needs Help!

Wow first Mark Foley tries to bang senate pages while txting like a 16 year old, now his democratic successor has his own sex scandal!

Report: Fla. congressman paid $121K to former staffer after affair
From Yahoo!

ABC News says Rep. Tim Mahoney, D-Fla., had an affair with one of his aides and then agreed to a $121,000 settlement when she threatened to file a sexual harassment lawsuit.

The Politico quotes a Mahoney spokesman saying that the payment didn't include any government or campaign funds.

The relationship between Mahoney and Patricia Allen began while he was running against Foley in 2006, according to the network, which says the affair continued after the Democrat took office and hired Allen to work in his district office.

Mahoney replaced Rep. Mark Foley after the Palm Beach Republican resigned amid allegations that he had exchanged sexually explicit messages with underage male pages on Capitol Hill.

Allen, 50, broke off the relationship and was fired earlier this year, the network says, citing an audiotape that's posted on its website.

She hired a lawyer and the pair eventually agreed on a settlement. "Mahoney, who is married, also promised [her] a $50,000 a year job for two years at the agency that handles his campaign advertising," the network says, citing anonymous staffers.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Heros and the 3rd Season

You know I've started liking hero's again the writing is getting a little better and the Company is just evil (like the first season). I'm still pissed that Gabriel/Sylar isn't dead though his character is under going some interesting twists he's still too powerful. Plus why are they sacrificing good heroes to him in some misguided attempt to make him even more powerful?? "Hey Satan, you know what would super cool? If you also had the power to make black holes in peoples minds, why don't we give you that one too!"

Oh well I'm kind of digging Claire's mom and hoping that Mohinder turns into something ugly and does the mad scientist lament. "Man was not meant to meddle in God's plan", speech" Than I can giggle and go play with my Sloth/Armadillo half breeds.

Oh well at least I want to watch this season so that's nice.

Monday, September 29, 2008

What I see before I fly

Friday, September 26, 2008


My god I just can't wait to hear the "debate" tonight. Here's a quick rundown

Mac -I am true change! I was a POW

Obo- I am change I am half black

Mac- One day I will rewrite every law that evil greedy men ever wrote!

OBO- I say we have a dialog about everything and I will give everyone money and a kitten or a puppy. Your choice..

Mac- People hate me because I pissed off both parties whilst grandstanding, that's a good thing!

OBO_ I carefully made no hard choices in all my jobs so that no one could ever say I stood for, or against something. Did I mention that I'm the only democrat that can get elected because I haven't actually done anything for people to hate?? Cause my opponents all have.

Mac_ My running mate has boobs! Your running mate IS a boob. heh I said boob

OBO- I took a two week trip around the world and ignored my family in africa because they are kind of creepy. That qualifies me for ANYTHING.

Mac- I Was A POW!!!

OBO_ I organized a community but that totally sucked so I left and it's still a piece of shite

NEW REPORTERS- O my god this is the most important conversation ever. In case you couldn't understand this we will now break this into 2 second sound bites and explain why we support OBO because of BDS

and that my friends is what we are going to hear tonight.

this happens every day

Friday, September 19, 2008

Many sail the dark seas looking for treasure and tuna

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Burning body not suspicious

As much as I liked Scotland i'm a bit worried about visiting again. Apparently finding a smoldering corpse on a golf course is not that, "suspicious". Shouldn't this be a bit weird? Maybe not that normal? Maybe the high level of drinking makes scottish blood flammable? Maybe Dr. Who type aliens are igniting people and leaving burnt corpses?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Reasons to Vote in November

I'm still not sure if this is a positive or a negative but all I know is that if you can't trust cyborgs to run your government who can you trust?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Common loves

Despite E's dislike of video games and most TV, we both agree on many things. One Active Duty Porn is hot, two sushi is good, three, Suede, must die.

Monday, August 4, 2008

tax dollars at work

In Ancient times dark powers worked with eldritch rhymes to gather and control the deeper powers of the universe. Long ago the elder races banded together to destroy this perverted race, and wiped them out of known history. However recent spy networks have detected activities in some of their ancient holdings, though all spies went mad from the evil rhythms, they did manage to transmit this single file.

CERN Rap from Will Barras on Vimeo.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"The Boy" Here after refered to as "E"

Well for those of you that are curious let me fill you all in on my amazing new boyfriend. We met July Third, dated for two weeks and than decided that the process of dating was over and we actually liked each other and were compatible enough to risk referring to ourselves as boyfriends. It's been a seriously long time for me, (crap I'm going to have to start updated some of these "abouts") and despite my fumblings I'm getting most of the right words out where they need to be. "E" is a bright spot in my head, he's super smart, seriously cute, dirty, and even manages to motivate me. But most importantly he can make me laugh, seriously bust a gut and feel alive. The fact that he cooks and has green eyes continue to make me suspicious that I will wake up and the majority of this will be a dream.
There are some issues in location he lives a fair distance away and is attending university, his career arc will gradually take him from the area in an ever expanding circuit of travel. The good aspects of that are I love to travel, and getting out of oklahoma wouldn't be the worst thing that ever happened to me.
We are of course still working on communication, sometimes I'm to literal or pig headed, and sometimes he's confusingly passive in discussions when he doesn't want to openly disagree. But as with most people I try to see the whole as features that i have to learn to tune my ear to.

Well that's as deep as I feel getting on the a blog at the moment and I'm sure He'll come up in future posts, we are planning some trips and drives and I'm sure they'll be pictures galore if things continue to work out.

Thanks for the advice from the previous comments Chwjohns, I did take it to heart after over analyzing the situation far too long. Good luck with your own project!
Thanks to the rest!

Thursday, July 10, 2008


So I met someone amazing, quite seriously there is nothing wrong with this fine ass slab of man. Green eyes, huge brain, driven, cute, a great cook, and he digs the hell out of me (no idea why!). Quite honestly this scares the shit out of me. like, dick cringing, crawl under a rock, wonder why i ever thought i could do this. But it's not a challenge I don't want to face, so I guess I'm going to focus and give it my best shot. wish me luck cause it could be you next time!!

And seriously If you ever read this B I mean it.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Happy 4th!!

You'd never guess what happened to me. Who knows, I might not be single!

Have a safe and happy 4th everyone, Now go blow something up!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

context undone

I'm 33 years old and I've ordered an ASVAB primer test to see how hard it might be ...

somethings not right.
Ideas? suggestions? Advice?
Would it be worth it? Just to prove myself against something that was a childhood expectation?

(while I'm sure that none of my foreign readers have any idea what that means I have every confidence that they can google it

Monday, June 30, 2008

journalism....still dead

Zimbabwe results show Mugabe headed for crushing victory
16 hours ago
Zimbabwe election officials on Sunday began announcing results from the country's one-man run-off vote, with indications that President Robert Mugabe had won an overwhelming victory.

kinda hard not to have an overwhelming victory...when you run against yourself!!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Amongst my favorite authors

Honestly if you have any time read the funny words of the gay ninja robot
A Quote
"If you very explicitly tell a random that he is welcome to blow you but that you will not reciprocate, have some self-respect and hold up your end of the bargain."

yeah what he said

hmm totally context

Monday, June 16, 2008

In regards to journalism

"The Irish disaster was predictable but nevertheless came as a surprise."

This is regards to the recent no vote in Ireland in regards to that bloated non-representative union they keep trying to reword and resell.

Journalism is dead.

Haiku break

So because talking about a trip is hard work here is a meme break

The Mrpeenee Auto Haiku Tag Meme tm.
Here’s how it goes:
In five syllables, no more, no less, describe the worst movie you can think of.

Mirror Mask, Darkly

In seven syllables, no more, no less, describe your worst date. Bonus points if it was sordid. Subtract points if it sounds too much like an overweight fifteen year old Goth girl.

So a prison Tattoo huh?

In five syllables, no more, no less, describe the worst job you ever had.

Shovel that asphalt!

Put it all together and you have a haiku of life’s low points.

Mirror Mask, Darkly
So a prison Tattoo huh?
Shovel that asphalt!

hmm I don't think that worked, like the idea though

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The trip

Okay so not that anyone reads this site, well not more than 10 people a day and who knows if they're bots looking for tasty morsels. but I guess I should record my trip across the pond for posterity sake or until I delete this blog and pretend it never existed.
I left early in the morning on the 1st of May, parking my car in the airport garage, (a move that was very lucky in hindsight), I flew directly to Newark NJ. I landed with no clue as to what to do, i kind of like to travel that way. i checked into the hotel and was not surprised to find that since i was in new jersey the whole room smelled like sweaty polish people. Luckily to my surprise the window opened and that allowed me to air out the room. I than jumped onto the tram and went to the big apple. Luckily for me the tram people were very helpful and the moment you looked lost they asked you if you needed help. Well in NJ at least those port authority people rocked!

After getting to Penn station I meandered around looking for the exit until at last I broke out, free to breath the air of the big city... It was surprisingly beautiful, the weather contributed of course, but everything was greening and there were far more dedications to plant life than I had expected. I went back below and took the subway up and out to the Metropolitan museum of art, well it takes you within a couple of blocks of it. Of course this is the pricey(er?) part of the city so the buildings were fabulous and the streets fairly clean.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

extremely odd

I had a strange epiphany while driving back to work from lunch yesterday. I was thinking about how much i wanted a cookie when my mind drifted and I suddenly realized that I had a very strong desire to have a german chocolate cake at my wedding. Why is this weird? I have never really planned on getting married, it's never seemed like something i would do, or desire, but suddenly that one stupid thought illuminated a whole series of desires in me, to be married, to yell at my husband over something stupid like taking out the trash. To fight, to make up, to trust that someone was going to be there for you. I wanted it all, I wanted a family. It just sparked and started to burn, stronger and stronger until i realized that desire was a permanent part of me now.
How odd is that?

Monday, May 26, 2008


It's possible if I had been born a few years I would have been an....emo

I really like the album, some of the songs are slower than i like but the hits are very clear to me.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

please stare into my eyes

There have been minor delays in posting about my trip, which was awesome. please forgive!!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Onward to Briton!

alrighty y'all I'm off for my spring adventures across the pond with a quick stop at NYC and the isle of Atlantis to restock on some power crystals and hobo jerky. Wish me well because, well because that's the nice thing to do.
God save the queen cause if I find Harry her grandson I'm totally making him mine.

*Note to the british, I'm sorry I was unable to find a belt buckle with suitable style to be flashing on your island. Also I refuse to wear shiny shirts.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

My thoughts on gay marriage

There was a thread on gay marriage that I followed from the Malcontent, after spending way too much time I put together a post of my thoughts on it tying in with the debate.

The Blog

"217 You know there are lots of laws that aren't based on morality but on property rights. There are also tax laws, property, theft, embezzlement etc. The belief that these are all based on moral codes is false. They are based on our (english based) system of property rights.

Kudos to the many that made this a excellent forum to read and thanks. Though gay I was initially negative to the concept of gay marriage but grew to desire it for reasons similar to Robbie. Gays aren't going anywhere we have been around in all cultures, all continents, and in all times. Our levels of social acceptance have waxed and waned mostly contingent on the religious mores of the culture we are born into. To give gays marriage rights would actually bring them in firmly under the thumb of society and keep them inline with the communities by outlining their rights and responsibilities in their relationships. It also gives us a sense of belonging, a feeling many of us loose after hostile responses from friends and families, without belonging many turn to drugs, unhealthy relationships or suicide trying to fill the hole that was left. Having rules to cling to I believe would save many from this fate.
Many have argued in this thread that marriage is an ancient institution and has always been between a man and a woman, forgetting of course that it was between a man and MANY women, even biblically speaking all the forefathers excepting Noah and Adam had relations with multiple women (Joseph, Abraham, Lot, David, Solomon, Saul etc) Only in the new testament was the practice abolished but only for commoners. Royal families often turned to concubines if the wife was infertile or only producing females. Marriage in the middle ages and modern times (outside of the US) was always arranged and was typically done for family benefits or property exchange. Multiple wife marriages are also practiced in native tribes in South America, New Guinea, Africa, and China. These are not just ancient practices these are modern and current.
Marriage for the sake of love is a western and mainly american invention brought about by the industrial revolution and the freedoms it produced. What gays want is just that, marriage for the sake of love, under the guidelines of their parent culture. Can straights argue against that when you take advantage of this new type of marriage contrary even to most religious doctrines? Marriage for love allows divorce, childless marriages, and even remarriage (a trait that is VERY new for women) can you argue that it does not encompass same sex love? Love that is willing to commit to the same sacrifices and tribulations that straights face?
I find this very hard to understand since the marriage of the bible has long been outdated but i think the american resistance to the whole thing has more to do with our culture than our religions. Most americans do not consider themselves married unless it is done in a church, and therefore see state confirmation of same sex marriages as a secular attack on their individual churches, that suddenly they would have gay parishioners demanding weddings and that they would have to watch. But these are secular weddings we are demanding NOT religious ones. I'm not trying to change religion, i'm trying to gain access to a secular institution that as a citizen would help protect my loved ones and secure my property rights for my loved ones.
Being attracted to your own sex is not a choice, being out and defined as gay is, we have to choose between living in the closet, lying to those who we are suppose to love and living in fear that one wrong world could bring our world to an end. This is why we cannot stay in the closet no matter how it makes others feel. It warps us and twists us until we break, and until you have lived with this fear you cannot understand how heavy a load you wish to pile on our shoulders.
Do you really want to preach to your children that to keep your love they must lie and hide their feelings from you? Is that what you tell your sons and daughters when they come to you with questions?

Well thanks for contributing everyone i had a great read and I hope this has given you some perspective on why gays want marriage despite the way straights talk about it. "

Monday, April 7, 2008

My Favorite Prey

Ah the medieval fair, the natural foraging ground for unicorns. Not being a virgin I didn't dare try to ride one but I simply had to take a picture. Specially after they decked my friends mother with one of their horns.
I think it just goes to show that americans can be just as soft and adorable as the french!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Reason number 725

Why i have trouble making friends.
(psst) I'm the one on the right!


Thanks to Sean I found this cool site FFFound

I promise I wont forget this time...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


I swear my next trip is going to be planned specifically around gay rugby....
I am going to London on May 2nd and staying for a week. It's going to be awesome and fun but some how after I planned my trip I was inundated with gay rugby dates that I am MISSING this sadly is one of them. gdamn luck! i have none!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

The roost of the meme

Stolen from Stuart!

The house I grew up in...
Moved around too much to have a "house" still i consider New Mexico the land of my childhood

When I was a child I wanted to be...
Alexander the Great! Well at least I turned out gay...

The moment that changed me for ever...
Being on my own and penniless. well i had several pennies.

My greatest inspiration...
Mum-Ra the villain from Thundercats

My real-life villain...
Fred Phelps

If I could change one thing about myself...
Jaw line. oh and horns

At night I dream of...
don't ask.

What I see when I look in the mirror...
someone who should shave more

My style icon...
what is this suppose to be?

My favorite item of clothing...

I wish I'd never worn...
boxcut briefs.

It's not fashionable but I like...
Jedi cloaks.
Umm Flannel shirts i guess

You wouldn't know it but I'm very good at...
social politics

You may not know it but I'm no good at...
personal relationships

All my money goes on...
black lotus flowers and opium dens

If I have time to myself...
I'm going to agree with Stuart on this one
I like to masturbate furiously like a horny monkey in the zoo!

I drive/ride...
a car which I just bought in November 07

My house/flat is...
in Oklahoma

My most valuable possession is...
the house followed by the car, but honestly it's my friends

My favorite building...
That's a hard one because I like lots of different styles. Personally I like stone buildings with a moat and draw bridge

Movie heaven...
I love pornnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
sweet sweet porn
oh and movies with werewolves, sci-fi, vampires, and anime
also oddly enough gay drama/comedy flicks

A book that changed me...
Dark of the Gods, by P.C.Hodgell, one of the most underrated of all modern fantasy authors

My favorite work of art...
most of Salvador Dali's stuff, i don't do favorites well but I really like his Celestial Elephants series and have prints of many of them

The last album I bought/downloaded...
Muse -Absolution, current favorite band

The person who really makes me laugh...
my friend Sam

The shop I can't walk past...
porn stores...

The best invention ever...

In ten years time, I hope to be...
doing something more technical like bio work, but I'd like to be paired up and happily married to a guy.

My greatest regret...
hurting people to keep my secrets

My life in seven words... I'm doing this chronologically

Monday, February 25, 2008

Torchwood 2.0 is so bad

Have you ever been watching a TV show and realized that not only was it poorly written but that the characters would never last in the real world? Not only would they not last but they would never be put into positions of authority even if they were immortal and had lived for hundreds of years and should be chalk full of wisdom and salient advice? I was watching the show where Ryes the fiance of one of the Torchwood members gets clued in on their secret activities, gets recruited for a mission, does surprisingly better than his Fiancee at not botching the job and gives some really bad lines about how not knowing what she is doing is driving him crazy. However the worst lines/acting/emoting come from the horrible Captain Jack who should be shot for trying to act like Captain Kirk. Honestly if it weren't for the hope of sex scenes with Ianto Jones. Seriously I'm thinking of just fast forwarding through the episodes or watching them on "mute"
The last chance this show has for me is thenext episode with Martha Jones from the Dr Who series, and from the trailers it looks real lame. Oh why couldn't Barrowman have been a good gay actor...

The date went well

I was happy with the date, I wish I had got a kiss at the end of it but the quick text message after I left was good enough. Saw "Jumpers" with him, had dinner and than went for some drinks ran into his boss, got invited to a party with him on Saturday and than went home and crashed. he's a nice guy with a better sense of fashion than me!...well that's not hard anyway.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Chance contemplation

I missed the lunar eclipse, my astrological luck held and it was completely over cast on Tuesday.

I have a date tonight!

The democratic primary has just passed the point of hilarity and has now entered the realm of gut bustlingly funny. I heard Obama chastise Bush (as a politician) for promising things during an election, and than following that statement with saying he wouldn't do that...promise...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Scene 1: Over contemplation

To me depression has several guises but the one that stays in my mind the most is a scene of void. When I am alone, when it's cold and the emotions are to deep I feel it tug inexorably at me. Since a time in college when my world fell apart and I was penniless, literally, and forced to share a room with an unstable room mate that was gradually succumbing to his own demons I have felt alone in my heart. It's was a hardening of persona and adding labels seemed to make it worse. I tried playing it straight to fit in and avoid another label. It feels painful to be labeled, put in a box and looked at, judged for the words that describe me.
I lack adequate words to explain how living the lie compounded the self hatred until it broke me open and I had to come clean, and live with the labels openly.
After facing that, the depression got worse for a time as I readjusted, having friends that playfully teased me helped, it drew me out of my shadow and I became confident for the first time in a long time. But the scars remain. Not long after I came out I started dating a nice guy, he wasn't quite my type but it was nice to be adored. But even than I distinctly remember thinking, "he's a fool to love someone as fucked up as me." Of all ironies someone had told me that about themselves long before all of this and i remember how hurt that made me.

Has the depression gone away? No not really I have better ways of dealing with it but it's still there and is something I've had to learn to compensate for and combat.
Can you combat depression? I like to think so, it depends a lot on the type of the depression. Some of the more foundational depressions are emotional, situational, chemical, and I would argue cultural.

Chemical depression caused by genetics, diet, or drugs is hard to combat. Drugs can stabilize but only until your body and mind compensate for them. My advice to these sufferers is accept the likely irrationality of your actions driven by your out of control emotions, correct diet and work to use meds responsibly There is only so much medicine can do for you and you are likely to locked in a spiral of stronger and stronger drugs. Try and train your brain to accept lower levels of happiness as normal. Your brain is misgauged and your best long term goal is to retrain it.
Situational depression could be caused by deaths, job losses, a failed relationship normal events that are sad and bring you down. A story about an old german psychiatrist in WW2 has been the best wisdom I've ever heard concerning this state. A soldier came in suffering from shell shock and depression. The rest of his squad had been killed recently and he refused to get up and fight. He tried to explain this to the doctor but the old man would have none of it. "Oh course you feel sad and depressed! everyone died, you survived. There is no rhyme or reason to it. So What?
Everyone feels horrible, your suppose to after something like that. It is just an emotion, not a wall, not a heavy block, just a feeling in your head. Now get up and go feel depressed on the battle field."
Say what you want but to me the Doctor made sense.
Emotional depression comes from inside you, it could be complete lack of faith in self, the death of your inner dreams. The inability to feel connected or whole. Ennui. The opposite of this form is purpose, goals, someone or something to live for, not easy things at all. Something i struggle with daily. I want to live for my dreams but I barely understand them some days.

Most typically I suffer from emotional depression, cutting out sugar and caffeine brought most of my chemical depression under control, but i still use alcohol and weed as a crutch. I can suffer from seasonal depression fairly badly at the start of winter but staying active dulls that the best. My work can cause me situational depression but for now that is the easiest to deal with. I just try hard to leave work at work and live a separate life, it seems to have worked and I'm glad to say that for me this is under control.
So for now emotional depression still haunts me and I have not escaped the tug of the void.

Okay that was fairly long but I've been meaning to say something like this for several weeks. Has anyone else worked to pinpoint their depression and have tips for dealing with it? Dagon I know you've talked about meds, any tips on how not to over do it?

Okay I'm going to bed now, I may edit this after reading it in the light

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Well that sucked

Well that was a bust, no guy nuggie for me. The only bright note in the last two weeks was that I met an old coworker at the gym. To bad he got married.

Now for my next trick! Gay Depression!

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Calling all gods.

anyone know one of these? I totally need to get a message across, if I don't find me a real man for valentines day I'm going to go totally batshit crazy.

Friday, February 1, 2008

for TJ

'ol TJ who runs Durban has a hilarious take on what to call his partner. So this is for him.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

50 questions of moderate interest

Stolen from Stuart who stole it from Yani, who stole it from a small woman selling magic beans.

# When was the last time you threw up?
maybe a year and a half ago? not quite sure

# What age will you be next birthday?
33, and I haven't conquered the world yet..bit bummed about that

# What's your favorite curse word?

# Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Sam, Dr. Who, and ..well no one else yet

# What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning?
Sleeping. I was up till two drinking and playing Titan's Quest

# What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
watching porn, talking on the phone

# Where were you born?
Fort Leonardwood MO

# Have you ever been to a strip club?
Many Times in many states, they are fairly boring to me but the friends like them and some customers like to take you there.

# What is the last thing you said aloud?
"shut the fuck up dog."

# What is the best ice cream flavour?
hmm typically anything with real peanut butter in it.

# What was the last thing you had to drink?
ice tea

# What are you wearing right now?
red t-shirt, black track pants, boxers

# What was the last thing you ate?
i made bacon and avocado tacos for breakfast

# Have you bought any new clothes this week?
yes I bought two jumpers for my friends' new twin boys

# Where were you last?
the living room?

# What's the last sporting event you watched? Who won?
Packers versus the giants, the Giants won

# Who is the last person you sent a comment/message while blogging?

# Ever go camping?
Yup it's fun though the older i get the more amenities i want to take. In the end I just want to stay in a hotel room.

# Where do you live?
Norman, OK I think it was voted 40th nicest place to live in the US

# What song are you listening to?

# Do you have a tan?
somewhat, i was thinking of going and tanning before heading to the movies this evening

# Do you drink your soda from a straw?
I don't drink soda but i do prefer to drink from a straw.

# What did your last text message say?
you want ot hang out this weekend?

# Who's your best friends?
Brad, Sam, Phil, Nick, Nicole

# What are you doing tomorrow?
Working work no less

# Where is your mom right now?
home? maybe church? don't know she lives 1600 miles away

# Look to your right, what do you see?
a closet door.

# What colour is your watch?
it's metal but I have both brown and black leather bands for it. Swatches were cool!

# What do you think of when you think of Australia?
The blue sky against red earth, dusty brown undergrowth and walking aborigines.
than i think of Sydney, perth, crocodiles, and the surf.

# Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
many many times.

# What is your birthstone?
I think it's pearl !gay! I prefer emeralds.

# Do you go in at a fast-food place or just hit the drive through?
I always go in, it's safer that way

# What is your favorite number?

# Do you have a dog?
yes, he's cute but has way to much energy

# Last person you talked to on the phone?
Sam, making plans to go see Juno

# Have you met anyone famous?
If I did they didn't make a big impression. I have met a few billionaires

# Any plans today?
Going to see Juno, than eat sushi with Sam, maybe stop and do some shopping as well.

# How many states have you lived in?
6 for any length of time.

# Ever go to college?
Yes, didn't get to finish yet though

# Where are you right now?
in the computer room, it's off the hallway from the entrance in the southern wing of the house. Hah!

# Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
being single despite several changes in my life and being more outgoing and really TRYING!

# Are you in love with someone right now?
just my friends and family.

# Are you allergic to anything?
poison ivy and some form of soap that I'm still trying to track down.

# Favourite pair of shoes?
not really i need some more but have been unlucky to like shoes that are never stocked in my size.

# Do any of your friends have children?
yes several, in fact two of them are my god children.

# Do you eat healthy?
mostly except lunches.

# What do you usually do during the day?
work at my desk.

# Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
usually...i guess i don't keep track.

# How did you get one of your scars (if you have any)?
i have several the one next to my eye I got when i was five riding in the back of my dad's truck. He stopped at a stop sign and I slide into a metal rail, 5 stitches next to my eye.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Fuck Guitar Hero

Okay why is it that I am the one left out because i can't stand this game? I find it boring to mash buttons to make the song play. I find it tedious and draining to watch others play, I have no desire to even practice this game.
Mash faster!
Mash Mash!
your digital masters command you!

Seriously what the fuck??

I think my testosterone levels are way up, when my workout buddy told me he has to switch gyms to honor an old commitment and because he can't afford 49$ a month I had the over whelming urge to throw him against a wall. Plus he plays Guitar hero. I'm concerned that my workouts will suffer if I don't have a gym buddy but I've grown perfectly happy with my gym. It has everything I want and plus i have the perfect crush there.
I should consider this rationally.
I should take his concerns into account and try the new place out.
I should calm myself and rate my options and choices.

I shouldn't consider people as tools.
I shouldn't allow anger to lose me friends.
I shouldn't fall back into old cycles.

I've done so well for so long. I know I'm going to fuck this up.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

blatent pandering to my hopefully target audience

Now I'm not totally set in my ways as to my type persay, however if you look like this I will totally do your fucking laundry after we do the deed.

Guilt after sex? what's that?

First of all I can't believe that their were no blitzball commentators, I'm VERY disappointed.

Secondly, and to the point of the title, do any of my readers,I SEE YOU OUT THERE, GOOGLE ANALYTICS SEES ALL BITCHES, ever feel guilty after sex? I've read many stories about people that do, and I've met a few that do but I've never understood it. To me sex is as natural as breathing and I've never had hangups about doing it with guys. I have had hangups later when i was in the closet about getting caught, but never about the act. Is it a catholic thing? I've always wanted to explore the exact feelings and see if it was a misinterpretation of the hormonal release that happens afterwards, or maybe pointed out gays that had been abused in the past. Is anyone willing to go on the record here?

sadly no this post was not inspired by current events, which have been sadly single.

Editors Note
I just wanted you to realize that this question does deal with context concerning me for those keeping score. In that it reveals a character trait about myself and the ridiculous questions you would have to endure if you were around me.

Saturday, January 12, 2008


Okay I admit I've been a bit excited about the trailers of Cloverfield the new up coming monster movie and Jimbo here has the scoop!

It's Sin from Final Fantasy 10! Complete with parasites and kungfu tail action!

Damn I want to play Blitzball now. Okay Confession time, how many hours did you spend playing FF-X?

Okay the pictures gave you the general idea here are some viewer pics if you want the spoilers! From WWTDD

After Watching the Movie Update

I really liked this movie, the camera work was too much sometimes but the characters really did it for me. It's a mix of Blair Witch and Godzilla, but well done with good effects. It mad me laugh, it made me feel sad, it freaked me out once, what more can you ask?

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

"murder (S)he wrote"

Okay this is just a bit of farce about Ryan from his blog. Now Ryan I think your adorable, and Mikey's awesome and you two are great bloggers and thanks for the comment! But after reading your blog for almost two years there's something you should realize. You are just like Angela Lansbury from "murder she wrote", weird things happen around you! Sorry no disrespect to the dead meant!
"Seems like the president of the school I went to has pass away. Details I guess is he might have jump from a roof of the hotel where he was staying. I am not sure I just seen it in the paper"

Monday, January 7, 2008

150 possible points of Context

Stole this from Alan! Check out his blog!

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm
favorite activity!
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
and there were all these colors and cool effects and...
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
So much easier to buy them!
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
how do the crap that much!
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Yeah it's fun and I recommend it
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
ugh only once that stuff is poison!
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
! and been rejected!
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
it's quite nice when it happens
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
sadly no but I'm getting there!
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
yeah that's no fun...cept that one time heh
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
a house number. and a fallout shelter sign from an old building
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
well most of it, i had just stayed up to watch the sunrise!
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
does snorkelingcount?
62. Kissed in the rain
I think that was the nicest date ever
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
I go for work!
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
yeah your pretty much screwed if you don't
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
rifle and pistol, I prefer the rifle
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
i went with my grandmother, than i taught myself how to make cream of mushroom soup.
118. Ridden a horse
my only memory of my natural grandfather was him teaching us how to ride a horse.
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
two savanna monitors actually
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
it wasn't exactly a street fair but it was a booth
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

okay maybe I do mean to offend

But you got to admit they work hard at not thinking